Dulce De Leche: Lazy Style

So... this is the best thing ever:

1. Fill a glass canning jar (or 4???) with canned sweetened condensed milk
2. Cap jars
3. Place in a crock pot
4. Pour water over the jars - enough to cover the tops with an inch or so of water (if you start with boiling water it goes faster)
5. Let it cook. 

That's all.


Really.

No, really.


Let it cook a few hours until it's as dark as you personally like your dulce de leche. Take them out with tongs. The end. How amazeballs is that? You end up with a delicious treat, a nice holiday gift: whatever. Easy and Fabulous. Hollerrrr

Thanksgiving: Halfway

Such fun. My bachelor apartment smells like Vermont and calm. Cooking to warm creepy indie music. 

I love fall. 

Even more when I don't have to work. 

Today's preparations...

Twice roasted sweet potatoes with ginger snap crumble:

•roast those puppies 

•sclice them and fan out all pretty like in a nice dish

•sprinkle with crunched up ginger snaps and dot with butter

(If you really wanna get crazy with it dot wih butter and drizzle with maple syrup)

...and because a hot oven isn't a thing to waste: make a pie. 

Buttermilk Maple Sugar Pie:

•1/3 cup brown sugar

•1/3 cup white sugar

•1/2 cup maple syrup 

•3 eggs

Beat with a whisk then add 

•2 tablespoons flour

•1 cup buttermilk 

•1 blip (teaspoon?) vanilla extract 

•1 blip maple extract

•a pinch of salt

This was a riff on a honey buttermilk pie found here: http://www.abeautifulmess.com/2013/02/halfway-homemade-buttermilk-honey-pie.html

Pour into a pre-made pie crust (you can smush the edges to bluff). Bake at 350 for 40-46 minutes.  It'll jiggle a bit. That's fine. Let it cool ...no really. Let it cool to set. Watch oxygen or TLC and wait. 

Beauty. 

Still have buttermilk? Make these beauteous sweet potato rolls: http://pinchmysalt.com/holiday-recipes-with-a-twist-sweet-potato-buttermilk-rolls/

Songza station: Farm to Table

Ugh

You know when you're rushing to work and you just started your period and you can't find a damn tampon in the recesses of your bathroom cabinet, purse, or dresser. 

Yeah. 

Modern chick problems. Shouldn't I be reclining in a crimson tent eating stew while sitting on a pile of straw and promising not to touch the men's water or weaponry? 

DIY Infused Honey

In Nashville I ate the most delicious cheesey salty crispy Turkish appetizer (think Turkish   flauta)... That was served with rose jam. 

And while I can't tell you how to make mind blowing rose jam I can say how I make rose honey. 

And lavender honey. 

And vanilla honey. 

I'm a honey expert bruh. 

No, for reals. Just take your honey and put it in small jars (cost plus has a great selection) with whatever flavor agent/flower/herb you like. Please be sure you're using an edible version of. 

Cinnamon honey might be a nice thanksgiving gift...

I stuck mine in a windowsill and turned it upside down/right side up every few days to agitate and make sure the honey was mixed. 

If I were giving it as a gift I'd strain it, but I enjoy my honey sola. 

And it is sweet. 

Healthier Sundae

Peaches. 

Honey. 

Frozen Greek yogurt. 

Yes. 

Fresh Greek yogurt might be even better...

Mom's Sour Cream Cookies

So I have two new neighbors, three new coworkers, and four periods of very hungry students. 

So naturally I decided this was the time to dust off the cookie press and mom's old recipe for sour cream cookies. 

Cuz I don't know about you but I can never work my way through a tub of sour cream before it goes bad. 

Use sour cream and impress folks: don't mind if I do!

And, in a savy modern touch I split the shortening half butter and half coconut oil. I think that practically makes these a health food...

Bagel Ballin'

So being the goddess o plenty that I am I brought breakfast and lunch supplies for my coworkers our first week back at work. 

And the second week I had a whole stack of un-eaten bagels. Low carb blah blah blah. 

But when life hands you bagels: make savory bread pudding. 

It's seed-y and healthy and hearty and soft with a crunchy crust. Oh hell yes. 

Old ass bagels cut into cubes

Eggs beaten with milk (enough to cover tr bagel chunks as though you were making French toast) 

Greens (baby kale and spinach... Or in my case salad mix that was on its last leg)

Butternut squash chunks (just buy the pre cut TJ's sheeeet)

Onion, chopped

Ground beef/turkey/sausage 

And some spices or something (garlic, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes? Sage? Hot sauce? Whatever dude.)

Cook the meat. Add the veg and spices. Cool. Use cast iron and you won't even need a baking dish (laaazy score!)

Let the cubed bagels soak up the egg mess while you're cookin all that other stuff

Mix it all and bake till its set (350ish for ??? Minutes)

You, and your next brunch party, are welcome. 

Father's Day Secret Ninja Surprise Cake with Chocolate Toffee Ganache

So yeah. 

I'm blessed to have a dad who taught me to karate chop overgrown bamboo thickets, appreciate the finer points of WWF wrestling, and who humored me tying him up and feeding him lettuce. 

Yeah. I know. My dad is hella great. 

So what better way to thank him than with one if his favorite things: yellow cake with chocolate frosting. 

But comon... It's a holiday. Lets kick It up a notch: As seen on American baking competition I made, yeah you got it, a surprise cake. 

SURPRISE! 

How to: 

Bake a cake in fun colors I recommend coloring two batches two different colors.  (I used red and gray because, well, Black was just too hard)(That's what she said.) My dad watches his sugar intake so I used sugar-free boxed mix. 

Then use your favorite cookie cutter to cut out shapes from your colorful cakes. I used an awesome ninja set. I made red ninjas and gray ninjas. They will fight each other in the cake. Awesome, I know. 

Now, being a lazy woman that I am I used pre-mixed cake (boxes) for both my colorful inside cakes and the, shall we say, mother cake. 

Lineup all your cookie-cutter cutout cake   pieces up in a cylinder. I used two loaf pans... Because that what mom had laying around. 

Then mix the 'mother batter' or outer layer mix. Again people: I boxed the shit outta that thing. Which wasn't the best choice. It was a little fluffy for this echelon of art and architecture, but I digress. 

Pour an inch of the mother batter (what'd you call me?) in each/ all pans. Then add the cut out pieces stacked together. 

Cover completely with the mother batter. Or, if you're me: run out of batter and leave little ninja head sticking up. Meh. It's fine. 

Bake again until mother cake is set. Ignore your mothers vague skepticism. Watch that the ninja heads don't burn (or, you know, be competent and don't leave ninja heads sticking up in the first place). 

Then forget about your cake and eat Philly cheesesteaks as per dads request. Then thank mom for remembering about your cakes and take them out of the oven. 

I frosted my ninja cakes with chocolate ganache. Classy right? One of my most witty and ADHD students, Cricket, once said 'ganache is rich people's frosting'. Touché Cricket, touché. 

I had to make sure and get the top of the ninja heads. Then sprinkle that bad boy with toffee chips or, you know, whatever and call it a day. 

You're welcome. Hiiii-yah!

Burger Salad Bro

Yeah. I did that.

Sliced pickles are essential.

Insalata e hot pocket

Here's my soft-boiled egg green goddess salad dressed with sunflower seeds

...and a side of hot pocket.

Can't win em all!

I Love My Mamma Lazy Turtles

Lets be clear: I love my crazy white mamma. She changed my diapers, killed spiders, and even humored my home remedies for her colds in spite of the excessive garlic I tried to slip in. She's the freekin best.

But between stress from my personal life and work life I've hardly had time to sleep. So when she opted to pass on Mother's Day brunch I seized the time to make the latest sweet treat I pinned for mom.

Picture perfect candies with low time investment!


DO THIS:

Buy roasted salted pecans (trader joes anyone?

Buy and unwrap a bunch of individual caramels (or fancy pansy make your own. Overachiever. Nobody likes a show off... And you're reading the wrong blog so git!)

Buy large round chocolates (try candy melts from a craft store)

Get some wax paper for caramel smushin

...now is also the time to bust out your nonstick baking mat and preheat your oven to 350 (...or if you're me that's done because you're makin a cake already)

Then do this:

Plantain-a-fuckin-licious

Ok. So yeah, I ripped this off a small New York Venezuelan restaurants' menu... But you and your friends will thank me:

-Fry or bake sweet plantains
(Buy yellow or brown plantains. Slicing and frying is traditional and delicious. As of late I've been baking mine by slicing, coating lightly in olive oil - sometimes with hot sauce or scliced up hot pepper- and pop it into a hot oven until they're browned)

-Season with salt
-Serve with sour cream and crumbled feta cheese

While it is generally gauche to tell folks how to eat there is clearly a sour cream-then-feta dipping order.

**And in case you're authentico gourmand feel free to use crema y queso fresco o panela.

Best. Snack. Ever.

Salty sweet buttery chocolate fluffy crunchy goodness...

Cook or coat the popcorn with coconut oil and toffee chocolate covered popcorn (yet again trader joes stalks my desires) and drink with a delicious cold Kona Brewing Co. Koko Brown ale.

Preferably pair with a night alone with the Mandy project on demand. Yeeees son.

A Pre-wife Singleton Must-do

Hide a roll of tp somewhere in your own house.

Because nobody's landlord is that nice.

Hamming It Up Post-Easter

Chop up one onion and some leftover ham... And black pepper

Add to a frying pan with olive oil and sizzle

Then add some greens... Whatever is about to go bad in the crisper (I used trader joes micro super greens)

Cut the moldy top off 2 tomatoes and chop (or fine, use NOT molding tomatoes... Bourgeois pig). Add to the pan

Add some cooked lentils (again TJ's saves the day here)

Once it's all warm dish it up! Serve with lemon juice, lime juice, siracha, or even a fried egg (whatever dog)

Easter Calories

Honestly, why isn't there a generic calorie counting category for shitty holiday candy? Comon people...